


Bothered and Bewildered

by quiet__tiger



Series: Just a Typical Day on the Enterprise [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Declarations Of Love, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, I'm A Doctor Not A, Jealous!Jim, M/M, Oral Sex, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 13:56:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21300554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiet__tiger/pseuds/quiet__tiger
Summary: Even when life on theEnterpriseis a cake walk, something always manages to go wrong.  But otherwise it wouldn't be theEnterprise.Or, should Jim be jealous that other crew members are hitting on Bones?
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Series: Just a Typical Day on the Enterprise [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585441
Comments: 16
Kudos: 185





	Bothered and Bewildered

“I am so glad you’re home.” Jim wasn’t sure if Bones had any plans for the evening, and was pleased to find him in his quarters after shift, sitting on the couch and reading on his PADD. Jim kicked off his boots and dropped onto the couch, his head in Bones’s lap, forcing him to put down whatever he was reading.

“Where else would I be?” His hand automatically came up to untuck Jim’s uniform shirt and stroke the warm skin underneath in what he refused to call a tummy rub but what Jim knew, in fact, was totally a tummy rub, fingers sliding gently over his abs.

“Thought you might have worked late, or made plans.” This thing finally happening between them after far too long didn’t necessarily mean they spent all of their time together, though they’d already spent most of their time together anyway. But then there had been first kisses and quiet declarations, yet not much had really changed.

“Fortunately for you, I have no life outside of you.”

“That’s not true.”

“Alright, you and my work.” Jim was all set to launch into a protest about those depressing words, but then he realized--even from his upside down vantage point--that Bones was smirking. “Believe me, you and my work combine enough to keep my plate full.”

“Hey, I’m only, like, ten percent of your work right now.”

“Even less, only because we just got back from shore leave. You behaved yourself and didn’t fling yourself headfirst into trouble. Meanwhile I have a crew still nursing broken bones and crotch rot from going crazy while on vacation.”

“I’ve always hated that expression. Crotch rot. It brings to mind terrible visuals.”

“You should see some of the alien stuff crew members have picked up. It’ll make you never want to stick your dick into anything unfamiliar ever again.” Bones winced at whatever he was thinking about, so it was probably pretty disgusting.

“There’s only one person I want to stick my dick into. And I’m super familiar with them.”

“Oh yeah? And when shall I meet this paragon of Jim Kirk fantasy?”

“One day. When I can have two of you spit roasting me.” The hand that had been so carefully caressing his abs stopped, and Jim looked up to see Bones’s eyes glazed over. “Hey, that’s supposed to be _my_ fantasy.”

“Oh, it is. _Mine_ is you being quiet for once. Blissful.”

“You are so full of it. You love it when I talk. When I tell you what to I want to do to you, or what I need you to do to me.”

“Sometimes. Other times…” Bones shrugged. “In this fantasy am I two separate people, or am I split in two, so I can feel you around me twice?”

“Sure. Kinky.”

“You bring it out in me.”

And Jim knew that was true; there was Jocelyn, sure, but not a whole lot of other lovers for Bones before Jim, and no one who truly knew Bones and was willing to give him everything. But he supposed that was what happened when you were friends for a million years before finally confessing you couldn’t live without one another.

The spectacular sex was just a side effect of all that trust and familiarity and devotion.

“How about wringing it out of me?”

“Is this why you’re glad I was home when you got off shift?” Jim loved it when Bones referred to Jim’s quarters as _home_. “You wanted to get laid?”

“I always want to get laid. I can’t help it that we’re warping through empty space on a cargo run. Leaves me a lot of time on the bridge to fantasize. Wish I could get you alone with my chair…” There was plenty of work Jim could have done that day while everyone else was doing their jobs. Reports, check-ins, reading the brief on where they were going… However, he thought he could take a little time for fantasy as well, especially one that would never happen. The bridge would never be empty enough to act out anything in his chair.

“And the odds of me having sex with you in that chair?”

“A hundred percent in my fantasy.”

“And zero in real life.”

“What’s the percentage of you having sex with me on this couch, right now?”

“Pretty good, especially if you get me hard for you.”

“You first?”

Bones rolled his eyes. “I was pretty comfortable before you came in and used me as a pillow. Plus I’m pretty sure you’re already hard.” He traced his fingers down Jim’s erection over his uniform pants.

“That’s besides the point. I’ll do all the work. I just want your hand on me. Your strong, capable, talented, doctorly hand.”

“You don’t have to flatter me, Jim. You were going to get lucky today the moment I saw your pretty face light up at seeing me here.”

It boded well for this relationship that just being there for each other turned them both on.

He continued, “However, a little romance doesn’t hurt, either.”

“I’ll wine and dine you after you screw my brains out. Deal?”

“I can work with that.” And finally Bones was unzipping his pants and shoving his hand into Jim’s boxer briefs. Jim couldn’t help but thrust into that fabulous warm grip, Bones well-skilled in knowing how he liked it. “I can definitely work with this.”

“He likes you.”

Bones snorted before saying, “I like him, too.”

Jim settle into the handjob, one hand under his shirt to play with his nipples, the other keeping him balanced as he thrust into Bones’s hand. “How do you get me so turned on so quickly?”

“I think you’re easy.”

“You’re one talk. I can feel you under me.”

“Just waiting for you.”

Groaning, he let himself enjoy the hand on him a while longer, the simple stroke-pull-twist through his pre-come just so much _more_ with Bones. But he promised to get Bones hard for him, and he didn’t want to not fulfill a promise.

So, in one fluid motion he rolled off the couch and to his knees, where he pushed apart Bones’s feet to kneel between them. How Bones could look so _hot_ just sitting there, fully dressed, hard-on barely visible in the shadows and black pants, was a mystery. Maybe it was the flush, or the smirk, or the knowing eyes.

“Well, are you going to just stare at me?”

Maybe it was the sass combined with that unguarded drawl. Or all of it together.

“Get over here.” Jim tugged on Bones’s hips to bring him closer to the edge of the couch, then unzipped his uniform trousers. “Up.” Bones lifted up enough that Jim could strip him from the waist down, leaving him in his uniform shirt and socks.

After two seconds of foreplay he dived in, sucking Bones’s cock into his mouth with no preamble. “God, Jim!” He took that as a compliment and worked harder, taking him in as deep as he could, hands clenching Bones’s thighs to keep them apart. Hands carded through his hair, applying pressure but not holding him down. He shook his head gently, letting Bones feel his own weight in Jim’s mouth, then pulled back up to swipe his tongue around the head. Bones groaned again before panting out, “You’re too good at this.”

“You make me want to be the best.” That earned him another groan, and Jim felt himself leaking again. He worked another few minutes, just teasing, not wanting to risk Bones coming, just wanted to rile him up for him. Finally he pulled off before asking, “You ready?”

“I’ve been ready.”

That was all the encouragement Jim needed to strip off everything he was wearing and climb onto the couch, spreading his knees over Bone’s thighs. He finally kissed him, licking his way inside Bones’s mouth as Bones’s hands groped his ass. “Need you so bad.”

“Need lube.”

“It’s between the seats from last time.”

“I’m not going to ask how you remember that.”

“I left it there for this time.”

“Always thinking ahead.”

“I am the captain.”

“And you never let us forget it. I mean that in only good ways.”

“Just get inside me.”

Slick fingers inside him, stretching him, and Jim relaxed and took them. The pace had slowed a little, and he and Bones kissed gently, less urgently than before. When Jim was ready and Bones first pushed inside, Jim hissed, despite practically being desperate for it. Both of them let out a breath when Jim was fully seated, one hand on Bones’s shoulder, the other on the arm of the couch. Up again and back down, and they settled into a rhythm that, true to his word, was mostly Jim doing the work.

He had no problem with that at all.

“How do you always feel so good?”

Bones opened his eyes. “I could ask you the same thing, darlin’.”

“I’m so close.”

“No shame in that.” Bones had been sort of holding his cock, not really doing anything with it than keeping it steady, but now he wrapped his hand tightly around it so Jim could really work himself into it. And _yes_ that was even better, so much better than it had been and it had been pretty freaking amazing. “Go ahead.”

“Not yet. You first.”

“I don’t think you can last that long.”

What was that, a challenge?

And, okay, it was one Jim was going to lose, because Bones had his hand and thumb _just so_ and Jim couldn’t bring himself to shift his position to move Bones’s cock off the perfect spot inside him where it slid as he rocked. It was only another minute before he couldn’t hold back anymore, his body tightening before he shuddered and came all over Bones’s hand and uniform shirt.

He kept rocking slowly as he caught his breath, not wanting it to be over but knowing Bones deserved to come just as hard as he had. It was another minute or so of Jim moving and whispering to Bones about how much he wanted him to come inside him please come for me please before Bones tensed and groaned as he finished, and Jim couldn’t help but pepper his face with kisses until he opened his eyes. “Bones, you don’t know how good you look when you come. I could watch it on a loop all day.”

“I don’t think the brass--or Spock--would appreciate that much.”

“Eh. I’ll be subtle.” Bones pulled a face. “I can do subtle!”

“Tell that to someone who’s actually gullible.”

Jim sniffed indignantly. “Maybe I won’t wine and dine you tonight.”

“Maybe I won’t let you get inside me later.”

“You’re such a tease.”

“It’s a flaw.”

“Your only one.” Before Bones could argue--and it would be a long, detailed argument with appendices--Jim asked, “Shower?”

“Definitely.” Smirking again, Bones added, “And then dinner.”

“You’re on.”

~*~

Leonard wasn’t sure if he would call dinner in the mess ‘wining and dining,’ but he was hungry and they were both on-shift the next day, so they couldn’t get too crazy with the wining. The important part was that they had time to share together, and it was late enough that most of their friends had already eaten, so they had a table to themselves.

Not that Leonard minded Sulu or Scotty or someone crashing what he wouldn’t call a date, but it could be challenging to get Jim to himself, considering he was never technically off-duty.

So, he was enjoying the company and his steak and potato and tiny drink, at least until a shadow fell across him. He looked up into pretty blue eyes framed by blonde hair and a smile, and it took him a second to place them. “Hello Ensign.”

“Hi, Doctor McCoy.” The smile was awfully shy for all it was her idea to interrupt them. “Thanks again for your help today. I’m feeling a lot better.”

“It’s my job.”

“Right, but. Well. Thanks anyway.”

“You’re welcome.” She continued to watch him, seemingly not noticing Jim’s eyebrows raising higher and higher. “Is there anything else you needed?”

“No. I. Thanks.” She flushed and turned on her heels and quickly walked away.

Leonard braced himself.

“So… Are you and Ensign Wilesky keeping something from me? Should I be worried?” Though Jim was smirking, there was a tiny bit of trepidation in his gorgeous eyes.

“Oh please. I’m not having a midlife crisis and chasing after a young blonde.”

“I’m both wounded at your lack of interest in younger blondes, yet concerned you think you’re old enough to be having a midlife crisis.”

There was no way it was physically possible to roll his eyes hard enough to deal with Jim. “The point being, since shore leave she’s been in my sick bay more than you. I am not interested in her, she just keeps popping up.”

Now concerned, Jim asked, “Not that I want to break doctor-patient confidentiality, but is she okay?”

“She’s fine, just clumsy. First it was a nasty bruise from fencing with Sulu. Parried the blade right into her biceps. Easy fix. Then she twisted her wrist in the botany lab catching a falling specimen. Then today she managed to eat something she’s allergic to, came in covered in hives. How it’s possible on a ship where you can create any food you want, I don’t know. It’s my job to treat people, not necessarily understand stupidity.”

“Uh huh.” Jim’s brain was working on. Something. He stared over Leonard’s shoulder. “She’s relatively new to the ship. Have you interacted with her before this week?”

“Her physical when she first came on board. Everything was clear. There’s nothing wrong with her, she’s just accident prone.”

“Let’s hope so.”

Raising his eyebrows, Leonard asked, “Are you that worried for me?”

“She was definitely looking at you as more than her doctor.”

“Are you jealous?”

“No. I mean. No.” Jim finally met his eyes again. “I know you’re mine. I wish we could let everyone else know. So other people don’t get any ideas.”

“You don’t have anything to worry about. I’m yours as well.”

“I know.” That blinding grin was more than enough to make up for the lack of a proper date, something virtually impossible on this ship, considering their ranks. “I just can’t help but wonder.”

“I wonder if you’ll be able to get it up for me again tonight, or if you’re going to be sulking over some young ensign with a crush.”

Eyes narrowing, Jim rose to the challenge, though hopefully not yet literally. “If anything, old man, can you get it up for _me_?”

“Oh, darlin’,” and he knew the deep drawl went right to Jim’s cock. “For what I have in mind, technically I’m not the one who needs to get it up.”

“You drive me fucking crazy.”

“In only good ways, I hope.”

Facedown on Jim’s bed half an hour later, Jim working his way inside of him, Leonard could definitely say they drove each other fabulously crazy.

~*~

It was the longest milk run ever, and they still weren’t there yet. Jim had finally given in to paperwork--even he could only fantasize about Bones so much--and had finally signed off on everything that had been piling up. He left it all with Spock to file, snarky eyebrow raising at him, then headed towards sick bay. Just because things were quiet didn’t mean he couldn’t check in on his doctors and any patients.

“Bones, how’s it--” The rest of his words died as he recognized the blonde getting scanned by Bones, cut on her forehead. “Ensign Wilesky. Are you alright?”

“Oh, um. Yes, Captain.”

“What happened?” Would this mean another set of forms? At least they’d be Spock’s, since she worked in the botany lab.

“I was reaching for something on a shelf and knocked a box onto my head. I’m fine.”

He raised an eyebrow towards Bones, who confirmed “She’s fine, Captain. I just gave her an analgesic and I’ll heal this cut. She’ll be good as new.”

“Excellent. I’ll… If you could finish up, and meet me in your office?”

“Just give me a few minutes.”

Jim tried to keep his cool while waiting in Bones’s office, but there wasn’t anything to do in there but watch through the glass as Wilesky smiled at Bones, and touched his arm, and he could tell Bones was uncomfortable, but he was too good a doctor to let her ruffle him. But that didn’t mean that Jim wasn’t allowed to--stealthily--glare at her.

By the time Bones finally made his way inside and closed the door, Jim had worked himself into a snit, which Bones could probably read all the way from the biobed he’d just left. “Jim, she’s klutzy.”

“She _wants_ you.”

“It’s a crush. She keeps seeing me because she hurt herself, I make her feel better.”

“No one is that accident prone. I couldn’t hurt myself this many times in a row if I tried.”

“Don’t you dare.”

Jim pulled a face. “I won’t. I have to take care of my ship and my crew. I can’t do that if I’m stuck in sick bay.”

“Good.” Bones crossed his arms over his chest. “What do you expect me to do, turn her away? What about ‘do no harm’?”

“Of course I’m not saying that. But I can’t let a member of my crew waste too much time on a crush that isn’t going anywhere. I need her to focus on her duties.”

“The kettle could not be any blacker, Mister Pot.”

“Hey, my crush didn’t not go anywhere.”

“Your grammar is appalling.”

“My point is I have you, I love you, I want you, and I’m sure as hell not going to share.”

Bones’s eyebrows rose before they fell, dopey smile trying to break through the grumpy facade. “Love you too, darlin’.” He uncrossed his arms and started to reach out, but then remembered the office was in full view of the medbay.

“Was that--Oh shit. That wasn’t how I wanted to tell you for the first time.” Jim felt awful; what should have been a special moment was spurred on by stupid jealousy in the middle of Bones’s work day.

“Make it up to me later.”

“Will do.” He reached out and grabbed Bones’s hand, and squeezed it gently. From the outside, maybe it would only look supportive, and not like Jim was trying to express everything he felt wordlessly.

“And don’t put her on gamma shift toilet cleaning duty.”

“Maybe.”

_No promises_.

~*~

“Love you, Bones.” A kiss to his shoulder. “Love you.” To his pec. “Love you.” Right below his ribcage.

“If you say it before every kiss, we are going to be here forever before I get fucked.”

Jim tsked. “_Loved_, Bones. I am going to _love_ you into this mattress.” And if that weren’t just the sappiest damn thing Leonard had ever heard, especially combined with the happy, shining grin on Jim’s face… He’d already been aware of it, but now Leonard knew without a doubt that he was Jim’s, forever.

“Well, hurry the hell up. Need you now.”

“Tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“_Tell_ me.”

Rolling his eyes--and how could Jim be _this_ exasperating when they were both naked and hard and leaking on his bed--Leonard offered, “I love you. Wanted to tell you before, even had a plan for when we were on leave, but I chickened out. Didn’t want to ruin our vacation if you weren’t ready yet.”

“Should have realized I was ready when you first threw up on me and I didn’t run screaming.”

“That is a fetish I am not comfortable exploring with you. Besides, nowhere to run on a shuttle.”

“I could have parachuted away.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.”

“Me too.”

Finally Jim shut up and applied himself to driving Leonard out of his mind. Early on he’d decided to take it slow, maddeningly slow, and tease and hint and promise, never enough to do more than get Leonard’s body more and more interested to the point even the lightest touch made him pulse. Jim had always been a generous lover, but Leonard had never before been the focus of this much love, this much devotion, and he almost didn’t know what to do with himself.

Ultimately he let Jim have his way, and let him caress and lick and suck as much as he wanted, and couldn’t help his moans and whimpers at the ministrations.

If he came four seconds after Jim finally got inside him, it wouldn’t be his fault.

The prep was agonizing in its slowness, but every time Leonard tried to wriggle and stretch and press further onto Jim’s fingers, Jim stopped. Finally Leonard snapped, “If you don’t fuck me _now_ I will not be responsible for my actions.”

“I’m trying to be gentle.”

“I am ready. I’ve been ready. Please put it in me.”

“You can beg prettier than that.” 

“I swear to God, Jim, if you don’t get the hell on with it.” Frown. _For the love of--_ “_Please_ Jim, just get inside me already. Please? Need you.” He rolled his hips to emphasize his words.

Jim looked sadly at Leonard’s cock, rock hard and leaking all over his stomach. “Want to suck you so bad.”

“This will definitely be over if you do that.”

“I _know_.” Finally Jim pulled his fingers out and raised himself up and over Leonard, then slicked himself up. “This may not last long.”

“You and me both.”

Despite being relaxed and _needy_, Leonard couldn’t help his groan as Jim slid inside, careful not to move too fast. He raised his legs and locked his ankles best he could behind Jim’s back, and Jim took advantage to press that much closer to him. Those ridiculously blue eyes boring into his, full of feelings and promises and even more that Leonard couldn’t begin to be able to process, forced him to close his own, the look too intense. Instead he focused on Jim hard inside of him, his hips rolling in a rhythm that there was no way they’d be able to keep up for long, with the way his cock slid over the right spots with every thrust.

It was impossible to know how long it was before that rhythm started to stutter as Jim got closer to his orgasm, because Leonard had been putting all of his effort into not coming himself. Finally Jim gasped out, “I’m going to come,” and Leonard opened his eyes again, not wanting to miss the show.

“Go ahead, darlin’.” He couldn’t put anywhere near as much of the drawl into it, but he was pretty sure he could have read a grocery list at that point and Jim would have come.

“God, _Bones_...” Jim’s eyes were finally closed as he came, the look on his face one that Leonard wanted etched into his memory forever, before he dropped his head and his damp hair brushed against Leonard’s chest.

Jim’s groan should have been enough to push Leonard over, and it probably was, but he was greedy and he wrapped his hand around his own cock and tugged a couple of times, thumb at _just_ the right spot, and came so hard he saw stars.

By the time he came back to himself, Jim had pulled out and was kissing his face, his chin, his mouth, relaxing him through the remaining tremors. But then his damnable smirk was back. “That was the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“Mmmm. If my brain comes back online, I’ll agree.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Jim was asleep before Leonard could even think of anything else to add to the conversation, but then he realized there really wasn’t anything more that needed to be said.

The next day, Leonard wasn’t necessarily sore from the previous night’s activities, but he couldn’t help but replay the night in his head at every free moment, which granted didn’t come often. He was almost smiling, and the nurses were looking at him strangely.

Damn it.

Even when he was happy, he made people worry. He didn’t want to promise to never be happy again just to keep his staff appeased.

The only person in the medbay who wasn’t side-eyeing him was Lieutenant Mirabezzi. The engineer was, in fact, smiling at him. “So how’s it look, Doc?”

“Like Scotty needs to review the safety protocols again. This is what, your second burn in a week?”

“It’s fine. You patched me up great last time.”

“And I’ll do it again. Just don’t make it a habit.” He leveled a glare at the man in front of him.

Was that… Was that a _pout_? “If you say so.”

Confused, Bones gave the Lieutenant something for the pain, then had one of the nurses complete the dermal regeneration.

What was going on with this weird-ass crew?

~*~

Jim was debating entering sick bay versus meeting Bones in his quarters after shift. He didn’t want to look needy or love sick or something, but he also wanted to spend as much time with Bones as possible without being confined to a biobed. There would be zero chance of sex if he were sick or injured, which was the last thing he wanted. Bones was as unyielding as a marble statue when he was looking out for Jim’s health.

It was the only way their relationship could technically work, with Jim outranking him.

Sometimes being captain sucked.

His moody train of thought was derailed when a familiar blonde excited the medbay and turned down the opposite hall from where Jim was not-lurking. She had to have seen him, but he was too stunned to follow that thought. Instead he went into sick bay to find Bones.

“Captain--” Jim’s ludicrous feeling of murderous rage must have been evident to some extent on his face, because Bones instantly looked concerned. “Jim? Feeling okay?”

He ground out, “Office,” and led the way there. He waited until Bones closed the door behind him before seething, “What was she doing here this time?”

Bones blinked. “Who?”

“Wilesky.”

“Oh. She was up for her annual physical. ...Actually it’s a bit early, but she asked for it while she had the time.” His brows drew together in that look of confusion that Jim normally would want to smooth away with kisses. “Are you… Are you _okay_?” Jim stared at him. “Are you _jealous_?”

“I…” He trailed off, because he knew answering honestly, in the affirmative, would be stupid.

“I love _you_, you imbecile. Remember a couple days ago? The best ‘I love you’ sex that could possibly ever be had by two people? Why would you think I would throw that away over the affection of a woman I barely know?”

“I… I don’t know. I see her and I get crazy.”

“Then get crazy over Mirabezzi, Pedersen, and Wing. I can’t keep them out of my sick bay, either. I think they’ve all broken your record for being here in a short timeframe.”

Jim looked away, taking a moment to think. “They’ve all been here multiple times in the past few weeks?”

“Since we got back from leave, they’ve each been here at least three times for one reason or another.”

“That’s insane. We haven’t been planetside, we haven’t been attacked, we haven’t taken on passengers. This has been the most boring few weeks in the history of this ship. Even _I_ haven’t needed medical attention.”

“They’re mostly clumsy accidents. The problem with not being stimulated at work is that people get complacent and hurt themselves.”

“It’s not… It’s not normal.”

“Don’t be jealous.”

“I’m not jealous.” Scowl from Bones. “Anymore.” Dubious eyebrow. “Now I’m worried. Let me see the patient records.”

“My foot, Jim!”

“Fine. Can you look them over? Find patterns?”

“Tonight.”

“Now?”

“Fine, Jim.”

Jim gave one more worried look towards Bones, then glanced out the office window. Finding no one in view, he kissed his first and middle fingers then pressed them to Bones’s lips. “I’ll see you later.”

~*~

There were few things in this world--on this ship?--that Leonard hated more than when Jim was right. He really didn’t think he would be--the crew was allowed to hurt themselves every now and again--but the third visit in three weeks from Alvarez convinced him.

The maintenance worker almost looked happy to be in his medbay, accepting a tetanus hypo for a gash caused by collapsing scaffolding. Or so the story went. “Ms. Alvarez, is everything okay? I can’t help but notice you’ve been in sick bay multiple times in the past few weeks.”

“Oh!” Definite flush under her dark skin. “I guess I can’t stay away, can I, Doctor?”

“Right. My question was why can’t you stay away?”

“I need you to help me, patch me up.”

“Right, but why are you doing things that need me to patch you up?”

“What?”

“What?” Bones was getting nowhere but frustrated. “I don’t want to see you here again any time soon.”

Her expression fell. “You don’t?”

“What, you want to be back here needing medical treatment?”

“Only from you.” She was back to batting her eyelashes.

“I can’t do this. Nurse!” She arrived at his side quickly, as if she’d been watching the show. “Please disinfect and bandage Ms. Alvarez’s cut.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

He escaped to his office and pulled up the records of the crew members who had been in sick bay three or more times since shore leave. Five of them. Five crewmen who had never given him the time of day had seemingly gone out of their way to injure themselves enough to seek his treatment.

But why?

A few years ago he’d’ve been flattered at all the attention. But now, with he and Jim getting their heads out of their asses finally, now people find him attractive?

No. That didn’t jive at all.

The odds were astronomical.

Damn it, Jim.

Why did he always have to be right?

~*~

“I’m telling you, I stopped by the mess, and I swear three more people were giving me moony eyes.”

“Bones, what the hell are you trying to say?”

“The crew _wants_ me.”

Jim couldn’t help but stare at Bones, then burst out laughing at the expression on his face. He felt terrible about it, really.

“Screw you, Jim.” There were the arms crossed over the chest, pout on his ridiculously handsome face.

“I swear, this would only happen to you.”

“Glad you find my pain hilarious.”

“I’m trying to get over the part where people wanting to get into your pants is painful.”

“Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a heartthrob! I only want _you_ to get into my pants, you doofus.”

“You have got to find a new pet name for me.”

“I’ve _got_ to figure out why people want to get into my pants.”

“You’re gorgeous?” Bones stared at him. “Nice? Funny? Intelligent? Skilled? Adorably grouchy?”

“Even the people who want to get into _your_ pants haven’t been as obvious as these fools have been.”

“Alright, alright. So. When did all this start?” Jim led Bones to his couch and tugged him down. He put his right leg over Bones’s left leg and snuggled them together. He wanted to be close to comfort him, because despite his teasing, it was obvious Bones was freaked out. And Jim felt guilty for no longer being jealous.

“After shore leave. I treated Wilesky for the bruise Sulu gave her with the foil.”

“What did you do for her?”

“Used the dermal regenerator to treat the skin, and gave her a painkiller.”

“Then?”

Bones read his notes off his PADD. The cuts, burns, sprains he treated by fixing them and then an analgesic to help while the injury fully healed.

“The _same_ analgesic every time?”

“Yes. One of the new ones we picked up on leave.”

“New ones?”

“We were stocked with several new medications. I wasn’t going to not use them.”

“Did anyone get this new thing and _not_ suddenly want to jump your bones?”

“Aren’t I _your_ Bones?”

“You _know_ what I mean.”

“Well, yes. I did treat one patient with it who has _not_ made eyes at me.”

Why did Jim get the feeling this was going to be good? “Oh?”

“_Spock_.”

_Of course_.

~*~

“Spock, thank you for coming.”

“You are welcome, Jim.” Spock stood awkwardly in Leonard’s quarters, hands clasped behind his back.

“Come on, Spock, you aren’t being interrogated. We need your help.”

“I figured as much, as it has been some time since you have invited me for a social gathering with the two of you.”

What, was Spock feeling left out because Jim was always with Leonard? Leonard hated his life sometimes. “Just sit. Or stand. I’d offer you a drink, but I know it won’t affect you.”

Spock cocked his head. “Why do I get the impression your request for help is outside of my purview?”

Hand over his face, Jim finally broke in. “Spock, just sit down.” He did. “Right when we got back from leave, Bones gave you something for the pain for a broken finger, right?”

“I was unaware that we no longer practiced doctor-patient confidentiality aboard the _Enterprise_.”

“This was a great idea, Jim, thanks.”

“Enough, guys. Spock.” Jim waited until Spock gave him his full attention. “Are you in love with Bones?”

There was no way to interpret the expression on Spock’s face. Everything from confusion to fear to possibly amusement flashed across it in a few seconds. Finally he settled into his normal mild disinterest. “I am not, nor have I ever been, in love with Leonard.”

Jim narrowed his eyes. “You’re sure? You don’t want to go back to sick bay to visit him? You aren’t scribbling ‘Spock McCoy’ into any of your PADDs?”

There was a slight uptick to one side of Spock’s mouth. “To the first question, yes, I am sure. To the second, to the point I do not enter the medbay unless it is absolutely necessary, such as when I broke my finger during a sparring session right after we returned from leave. As for the third, I am assuming you are making some sort of Earth reference to which I am not privy, because such an action is completely illogical.”

Leonard hadn’t realized he was holding in a breath, and finally relaxed into his couch, and Jim’s hand clamped down on his knee in support. “Thank the heavens.”

“May I ask why we’re breaching protocol and asking about my romantic persuasions? As you are both aware, I am romantically engaged with Lieutenant Uhura.”

“A bunch of the crew want to get into Bones’s pants. Specifically ones who were treated with the same analgesic you were.”

“I assure you, the thought of engaging in intercourse with Leonard is most unpleasant.”

“Thank you, Spock, I get it.”

“Aww, don’t worry, Bones, I still love you.” And Leonard and Jim froze before Jim tried to backpedal. “As friends.”

If it weren’t below him to roll his eyes, Leonard could tell Spock wanted to. “Jim, I have been aware of your feelings for Leonard for some time. You forget how tactile you are, even with me.”

“Oh. Right.”

Frowning, Leonard asked, “Jim, just how tactile are you with Spock? You know, the touch telepath?”

“Oh, come on, Bones, is that really the important thing right now?”

“No more skin-to-skin. We don’t need him knowing intimate details of our relationship.” Because good _lord_ he didn’t need Spock knowing any more than he already did. He turned to Spock. “We haven’t yet told the brass, no. We’ve been… Keeping it to ourselves.”

“Then I suggest you attempt to hide your feelings more adequately. I am certain the regular bridge crew is aware of the level of attraction between you.”

Rubbing his eyes, Leonard muttered, “I am never entering the bridge again.”

Jim clapped his hands. “All right, guys. I love Bones, he loves me, let’s move on. So whatever this stuff is, it affects only humans, not Vulcans. I’d like to run a test.”

Hand still over half his face, Leonard looked through his fingers at Jim. “What kind of test?”

“I want to see how long this stuff takes to work. And I want to make sure it’s the only thing being given to our test subject, just to rule out anything else.”

“You want an _additional_ person all over me?”

“Just one we can keep an eye on. A volunteer. But it’s got to be someone discreet. Someone whom we know doesn’t desire you at all. And don’t give me any of that ‘you’re the only one who’s interested in me’ bullshit. You’re a hottie, why do you think I got so jealous of Wilesky?”

“Captain, I believe you are about to propose a person that will not necessarily approve of being a test subject, but who will endeavor to assist any friend and crewmate in need.”

Jim smiled his illogically perfect smile, and Leonard covered his eyes again because he didn’t want to see Spock nerve pinch Jim. “Please tell me Uhura is free right now.”

~*~

Jim had to admit, Uhura suppressing a smile was adorable, not that he would ever admit that to her. “How many crew members are after Leonard?”

“As far as we know, eight. Others may be under the radar. Complete records of who would’ve been given the stuff are in sick bay, and we’re wary of heading back there right now.”

“And all I have to do is get a hypospray and tell you if and when I want to either see him with no rational explanation, or hurt myself to see him?”

“Right.”

Uhura pulled down the collar of her tunic. “Go right ahead.”

Jim watched intently as Bones placed the hypospray against her neck and depressed the button, the hiss indicating the medication was releasing into her bloodstream. Bones threw out the empty cartridge as Jim continued to watch Uhura, waiting for--well, he didn’t really know.

She raised her eyebrows, and Jim realized he was bordering on creepy. He leaned back as Uhura said, “I’m fine, Jim. Nothing yet.” Spock reached out to Uhura from his place at her side, and touched his first and middle fingertips to her own. “I’m _fine_, Spock.”

“I would like for this to remain true.”

“I’ll let you know right away if I feel differently.”

Bones put his hand on her shoulder. “Thank you for doing this. We appreciate the assist.”

“Anything for my friends. And Jim.”

“Oh ha ha.” But they smiled at each other before she got up to leave. “Thank you.”

It was an indecipherable eyebrow that Spock shot him as they left, and Jim exhaled. “At least they’re both okay with this.”

“They’re good people, even if Spock is a pain in the ass.”

“At least he doesn’t want to jump you.”

“I’m going to have nightmares tonight.”

“I’ll soothe them away.”

And Jim did, wearing Bones out until he slept soundly through the night.

It was the next day when things got weird. Bones had already removed the analgesic from the list of available medications, and had explicit instructions to report any additional suspicious medbay visits, while Jim was going to make rounds of the ship to try to catch anyone else acting strangely.

His plans were delayed slightly by a stack of reports handed to him by Uhura. “I figured I’d get a jump on some outstanding projects, Captain.”

“Oh, ah, thank you, Lieutenant.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiled at him before returning to her station.

He scanned through them, no doubt in his mind that they were excellent, but just confused as to what they were. He hadn’t realized he’d given her so many projects. It looked like it would make for some interesting reading when this whole thing with Bones was behind them.

When it was finally not too suspicious that he was leaving the bridge, he reminded everyone that Spock had the conn, and entered the turbolift. He was certain he imagined Uhura leaning out of her station to watch him leave.

Everything was making him paranoid.

In sick bay there was, thankfully, nothing to report as far as strangeness, and Jim wished he could get Bones alone, but there was some sort of rash going around and he wanted to let everyone get treated.

His tours through Engineering, the science labs, the mess, and the rec rooms were similarly uneventful. It may have helped to know what he was looking for, but nothing standing out would have to do.

Lunch with Bones, Spock, and Uhura was a little strange. It was the first time that he and Bones had shared a meal with someone who knew their relationship status, so while they could reference it or be more intimate, they remained discreet. However, Jim wasn’t sure he liked the way Spock kept his attention on Uhura; he’d never watched her quite like that before.

And Uhura kept watching Jim. She tried to be subtle about it, but, well. Apparently none of them were good at subtle.

It was later that evening, in Bones’s quarters, that things ‘got real,’ as the saying went. When the door chimed, he and Bones looked up from the holo they were watching, pressed close together on the couch. “You expecting anyone?”

“No. It’s pretty late, too.” Bones stood, stretched, and made sure his shirt was tugged back down to where it should rest, instead of riding up his back from where Jim had been massaging him under it. When he opened the door, Jim wasn’t particularly surprised to see Uhura on the other side.

“Captain. Leonard. I just wanted to check in to see if you learned anything else about what’s going on.”

Bones got out his scanner--where had he even been keeping it--and asked, “How are you feeling? Any, ah, inclinations towards me?”

“I can’t say there are any, Leonard. Sorry.” She smiled politely at Bones, then turned her attention to Jim. “Captain, is there anything you wanted me to get started on for tomorrow?”

Jim brows knit in confusion. “Um… not that I can think of right now? I’ll see you tomorrow, normal time.”

“Okay, Captain. See you then!” She was out the door with a quick look back at him.

“Bones, tell me your scanner got something.”

“Elevated pulse rate, but that’s about it.”

“She seem weird to you?”

“She’s called you ‘captain’ more times today than she has in about the last year and not been sarcastic.”

Jim threw himself face down onto the couch in what he hoped was a dramatic manner. “You know what this means, right?”

“I’d say some sort of fever, but that’s not right.”

“Ha ha.”

“It’s that stuff. Maybe it doesn’t… I don’t think it’s necessarily anything to do with me.” Bones sat on the floor next to the couch so he could return the earlier favor and give Jim a backrub. “I gave Uhura the hypospray, but she’d been looking at you after I administered it. And every time I gave it to someone else, I would have been the first person they saw afterwards.”

Jim groaned into the cushion. “Did we really pick up a love potion? Better yet, were we really _given_ a love potion? How do these things keep happening to us?”

“With you in charge, I’m surprised we don’t have more weirdness.”

“Thanks for nothing.”

“Love you.”

Jim had been tense with frustration, but relaxed at the words. “One day saying that isn’t going to get you out of trouble anymore.”

“We’ll see about that. And we also need to figure out more about this stuff. All I know is it’s plant-based.”

“Great, Wilesky can help us.” Jim wanted to throw up at his life.

“I was thinking more like Sulu. Even if he doesn’t already know about us, we know we can trust him to help us out. Plus he knows Wilesky, and is pretty popular around the ship.”

“That’s a good idea.” Between having a plan and Bones’s massage, Jim was finally really relaxing.

They’d get to the bottom of this soon.

~*~

“You want me to help you do what?” Sulu’s eyes were wide.

Not believing his life, Leonard answered, “Help us figure out why this plant-based analgesic is a love potion.”

“Is this why you two have been...um…” Clearly Sulu couldn’t think of a tactful way to point out the way his superior officers behaved when they thought no one was looking. “You know.”

“Jim, I meant it when I said I wasn’t going onto the bridge anymore. Sulu sits in _front_ of us and he’s figured us out.”

“Bones, bigger problems right now than an extremely perceptive crew. Yes, Sulu, we are together, but that started before all of this.” Jim filled in Sulu on what had been going on, Leonard’s face getting warmer and warmer until he got to the part about Uhura imprinting on Jim the way everyone else had imprinted on Leonard, and Sulu started laughing.

“Uhura has the hots for you? That’s excellent. I mean, I thought she was being really forward yesterday, but I wasn’t sure if it was some kind of joke.”

“It would be mildly amusing if we knew how to end this.”

“I’ll take a look at it, see if I can figure anything out. It sounds almost parasitic--takes over a host to spread itself. We have some specimens in the arboreum that might serve as a reference point and control. If I make you a list can you collect some for me?”

And that was how Leonard found himself in the arboretum with Jim, trying to follow Sulu’s map for which specimens to bring to him. “Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a horticulturist. I should be treating patients, not digging up plants.”

“We’re hoping the effects of this stuff are temporary. With you away from everyone, and no one getting it anymore, hopefully the effects will fade and we can go back to our normal lives. _Without_ your ducklings harming themselves or stalking you. But we can’t try to actively cure them without knowing what we’re dealing with. So get clipping.”

Third sample in its container, Leonard stopped to scrape dirt out from under his fingernails. When he was done he looked around him to find Jim, but got distracted with how pretty everything did look. With flowers in bloom and greenery surrounding him, Leonard could almost forget he was in a tin can in the middle of the black, and hadn’t seen real sunlight in weeks. Maybe he should come here more, pretend he was back in Georgia, or maybe he and Jim could pack a picnic. It would sure beat the rec room or observation deck.

Jim must have been feeling the same way, because he snuck up behind him and wrapped his arms around him. Hooking his chin over Leonard’s shoulder, Jim said, “We should come back here when things settle down.”

“By that time something else will go wrong.”

“Maybe not.”

“Likely so.” Leonard turned in Jim’s arms, and brought his hands up to cup Jim’s face. He kissed his pout away. “Don’t worry, darlin’, I’ll be here for you regardless. Maybe not in this room, but you know I’m yours, through hell and high water.”

“I know.” Jim leaned in for his own kiss, and Leonard _knew_ it was a bad idea to get too wrapped up in this--kissing Jim in public, where anyone could see--but he couldn’t help himself and this ridiculously positive and handsome man in front of him. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” Leonard tried to pull away, be the mature one, but there was no one else around, and a few minutes wouldn’t kill--

Jim yelped and he wound up on the floor several feet from Leonard, his top half crushing some ferns. What the--

“Doctor, how could you! I thought you wanted to be with me!” Wilesky stood where Jim had been, chest heaving in anger.

“Wilesky? What are you talking about?”

“All those times you cared for me, I thought they meant something. I thought _I_ meant something!”

Leonard looked for Jim, but he had crawled away. _Lucky him_. Hands out in front of him in what was trying to be a soothing gesture, he told her, “Wilesky, there isn’t anything between us. You’re sick, you have something inside of you that’s making you act this way.”

“Oh yeah? It’s called my _heart_!” Okay, now she looked pretty pissed, and not like she loved him at all. “But then I catch you here making out with the _captain_, like you could do any better than _me_!” Anger flashed in her eyes, and for the first time Leonard was actually afraid.

“Now, look, we’re going to get you help, and you’re going to realize that you don’t want me, you never really did, it’s that stuff I gave you for pain, it’s making you--”

“I only ever _loved_ you!”

_For the love of_... “We’re going to get you treated--”

Finally Jim popped up out of nowhere, knocking Wilesky to the floor. Considering the size difference, Wilesky held her own quite well, getting a few good hits in as Jim struggled to incapacitate her without actually hurting her. Finally he got her into a sleeper hold, and he rested her on the floor after she passed out.

“How did she manage to rip your shirt?”

“She’s got nails like a lioness, jeez.” Jim stood, and Leonard held back a smile at the excited flush on his face. He looked even better than normal after a scuffle. Or at least a scuffle that wasn’t life and death, with healthy skin visible through the tears in his shirt. “Let’s get her to sick bay, restrain her, and go get these samples to Sulu. Maybe we’re lucky and he already figured something out.”

“Let’s hope so.” Leonard grabbed her into a fireman’s carry. “I’m just glad it was her and not Mirabezzi. _He_ would have done some damage to you.”

Scoffing, Jim said, “In your dreams.”

“My dreams have nothing whatsoever to do with you getting beaten up.”

“But don’t you want to play ‘doctor’? Patch me up?” He tried to bat his eyelashes, but Leonard wasn’t in the mood.

“I think we got our types of dreams mixed up, because if that’s your dream, it’s my reality, and it ain’t a healthy one.”

“Aren’t you a ray of sunshine.”

“I’ll be my normal chipper, sunshiney self when we fix everyone.”

“Hey, don’t you threaten _me_.”

~*~

When Jim got back to the bridge, he immediately relieved Spock so he could go help Sulu figure out how to fix everyone. The look he received from Spock would have been referred to as _glaring daggers_ from anyone else, but Spock would say something along the lines of _it is physically impossible to manifest weapons out of the air with one’s gaze, no matter how intense_ or something like that, if he even acknowledged his expression, and Jim would snark back, and it would be fun.

Jim loved the routine.

They could return to said routine as soon as Uhura stopped giving him coy little smiles.

If he were Spock, he’d be pissed, too.

He looked through the new reports Uhura had somehow produced that day--was she even doing her actual job?--then sat and thought about how he could make all this up to them. He must have sighed, because Chekov turned around from his station to raise an eyebrow at him and smile some sort of encouraging but confused but sympathetic but questioning mess of a smile. “Yes, Chekov?”

“Nothing, Keptin. Just hope your day has been as uneventful as ours.”

It was then that Jim realized he forgot to change his shirt. “It’s been fine. Just working on an additional project. ...that got away from me.”

“Anything I can help with, Captain?” _And there it was_. Uhura’s voice sounded so hopeful.

Jim tried not to scream.

“I’m fine, Lieutenant. I needed a break anyway. Looking forward to being done with this milk run and getting a new assignment. Chekov, you see any delays or obstacles between here and our destination?”

“No, Keptin. We should arrive in two-point-four days as scheduled.”

“Excellent.”

Things were quiet again, and Jim read reports and listened to the crew do their jobs, and tried to ignore the glimpse of a smile he saw on Chekov’s face every time Uhura found an excuse to either talk to him or leave her station and stand next to his chair.

He was going to _kill_ Bones for not stopping him when he suggested testing out that stuff.

But she was supposed to crush on _Bones_, not him…

Nothing ever went right.

He almost sighed with relief when Bones’s voice came across the intercom. “Captain, can you please come to sick bay? We, ah, need your assistance with something.”

“On my way.”

He was excited; he thought there was a solution and they could treat everyone and move on with their lives and their mission.

Instead, he walked into Mirabezzi with Wing in a headlock, Alvarez pulling Pedersen’s hair, and a bunch of confused medical staff wielding hypos that hopefully had sedatives in them.

And yelling. Lots and lots of yelling.

“He’s _mine_!”

“Why would he want you?”

“I can offer way more to him!”

“I’ll do anything for him!”

“His heart is mine!”

“He loved me first!”

“Are you crazy? I had him and then you tried to take him!”

“Why would he even like you, he likes _men_!”

“He was married to a woman before!”

“But now he’s with the Captain!”

That last one was Wilesky, yelling from the biobed where she’d been restrained.

Instantly all eyes were on him. “Um…” It took a second for the captaincy to kick in under the weight of everyone’s crazy, love-sick glares. “Everyone! Stand down. Step away from each other.”

Mirabezzi let go of Wing, and drew himself to his full height. _Bones was right, he really is big._ “Lieutenant, whatever you’re about to say, don’t.”

“Why, because you know we’re right? That Doctor McCoy belongs to one of us, and not you?”

“Stand down, Lieutenant. Doctor McCoy can make his own life choices, including with whom he spends his off-duty time, just like any of you.”

“But why you? What makes you special? Why not me?”

Where to parse that? “Doctor McCoy--”

The man himself finally stepped out from where he’d been hiding, waiting for Mirabezzi to step out in front of the doorframe he’d been hiding behind, hypo ready to go. Mirabezzi dropped into Bones’s arms and was dragged to the closest biobed. Wing, Pedersen, and Alvarez realized too late that they were destined for the same fate, as the staff who’d been standing around watching earlier were able to use the distraction to hypo them as well.

Inside Bones’s office, Bones wrang his hands. “Jim.” He turned to look into Bones’s worried eyes. “This is not good. We have beds being used while we wait for a cure that may not happen, and now our dirty laundry is airing in front of everyone.”

“It seems like everyone already knows anyway. I guess there’s no need to hide anymore. And I wouldn’t call it dirty, just…private.”

“Right.” Jim hadn’t been expecting a declaration or some sort of romantic gesture, but he wished Bones did something more than just grimace at him. “Any word from Sulu?”

“No. I have Spock helping him, give him another set of hands and brains.”

“How’s Uhura?”

“Driving me crazy. Distracting the bridge.”

“We should get her here as well.”

Jim rubbed his eyes. “I think she’s fine. She’s the only one on the ship going crazy trying to impress _me_.”

“Except me.” The smile was small, but genuine.

“You don’t have to impress me. You did that years ago by getting onto a shuttle despite a million tiny fears manifesting into vomit on my shoes.”

“Maybe one day I’ll accomplish something that will make you remember me with more fondness than fear and vomit.”

“Impossible. In all good ways. You can’t do anything to make me love you more.”

“I’ll take that challenge.”

“That’s my line.”

Bones reached out and took his hand, then pressed a kiss to the back of it, not caring that they were visible to the rest of the medbay. “Go change your shirt. I’m surprised I haven’t heard more gossip this afternoon. Then go see if you can help Spock and Sulu. So we can put this nightmare behind us.”

“Will do.”

Jim smiled all the way to the lab, and he didn’t care if anyone saw him. He may never wash his hand again.

~*~

Leonard wasn’t taking any chances, and kept all five lovesick patients sedated until he got the message from Jim that Sulu and Spock had been able to create an antidote. He hadn’t realized how anxious he’d been until the knot in his chest loosened.

Spock entered sick bay, a reluctant Uhura in tow. Sulu just looked amused. Uhura perked up when Jim appeared, and it wasn’t Jim’s fault he was so damn handsome. Leonard perked up--a little--every time he walked into a room as well.

“Bones, we ready to rock and roll?”

“If that means fix this disaster, that depends on Sulu.”

“We’re all good. We isolated how the plant takes over human neural pathways, and figured out how to reverse the effects, with some help from Spock’s antibodies.”

“Reverse the effects? We just want to make people stop lusting, not dislike me. Us.”

Sulu barely kept from smiling. “That’s what I mean. Everyone will be back to normal. I’d ask for volunteers but it looks like the subjects are all unconscious.”

Everyone else looked to Uhura. She rolled her eyes. “All right, I’ll take it. It’s not like I ever felt anything for Leonard anyway.”

Leonard very nearly face-palmed, but then he caught Spock’s murderous expression, and sarcastically wondered if Vulcans realized rage was an emotion. He knew for a fact Spock knew what rage was.

Antidote prepped into a hypo, Leonard reminded Uhura, “This may sting.”

“It’s fine. Anything to help everyone else get better.”

Muttering to himself, “_Take the wheel_,” he injected Uhura with the antidote.

Nothing happened.

Leonard, Jim, Spock, and Sulu stared at her.

Still nothing happened.

And then…

Uhura’s eyes widened, and her mouth twisted in horror. “Oh my _God_ what did I do?” She covered her mouth with her hands and looked at Jim. Voice muffled, she continued, “Did I really write twenty-three reports for you?”

“Yes. I haven’t had a chance to read them all yet, but I’m sure they’re great.”

Face flushing, she turned to Spock. “I am _so_ sorry. I acted like such a fool. As if Jim does _anything_ for me.”

“Thanks.”

She glared at Jim, hands still covering her mouth, hiding her blush and shame. “You know what I mean.”

Finally Sulu started laughing. “Looks like it worked. Here are more vials for the other patients. And I recommend we get rid of this stuff as soon as possible. We know it didn’t have any effect on Spock, but we don’t know how it will affect another species, and I assume we don’t want another instance of this breaking out.”

Both Jim and Leonard snapped, “_No!_”

Standing stiffly, despite the fortunate events, Spock said, “I believe Uhura and I shall take our leave, Doctor, Captain. _Mr. Sulu._”

Leonard did not envy Sulu. Not that anything that happened was his fault, but he was the only one right now who found any of it funny, much to Spock’s chagrin. He didn’t blame him one bit when Sulu skedaddled out of the medbay in the opposite direction of Spock and Uhura.

Prepping the remaining hypos, Leonard told Jim, “We’ll take care of our patients here, and then we’ll call in everyone who only got a dose or two and didn’t commit assault on another crew member.”

“This is a disaster.”

“It could have been worse.”

“Could have been better.” He looked guilty. “And I didn’t handle it well at the beginning. If I hadn’t gotten so jealous I might have realized earlier on that something was wrong with Wilesky.”

“Jim, it took five people having the hots for me for _me_ to realize it. I guess I found the ego boost flattering.” There was a pout on that handsome face. “Not that _you_ don’t boost my ego.” Blinding grin again. “Alright. I think I can take this from here. Just one thing before you go.” He looked around, making sure no one was in earshot. Voice low and deep, and affecting his drawl, he told him, “Go to my quarters, prep yourself. I’ll show you exactly what you do to my ego.”

Eyes wide, cheeks flushed, Jim stuttered, “Y-y-yes, Doctor.”

If the expression on his face didn’t give away anything of what Leonard said to him, calling him _doctor_ instead of that stupid (beloved) nickname certainly did.

Either way, Leonard smiled through the rest of the injections, then left instructions with his staff for the remaining crew members for when they arrived in sick bay.

He didn’t care that his smiling was making his staff nervous again.

Or the people he passed in the hall.

He only cared that Jim lit up when he finally opened his door, hard cock leaking onto his stomach as he was three fingers inside of himself on the bed.

Leonard was hard in an instant, cock straining against his uniform pants uncomfortably. “You look so good like that, getting yourself ready for me.”

“Wanna make you happy.” Jim’s eyes fluttered closed as he worked himself open.

“If you really wanna make me happy, help me reenact _my_ fantasy?”

“What’s that?”

“Well, you have your chair.”

“I love my chair.”

“Probably more than you love me.”

“Never.”

“Regardless, you have your chair, and I have my desk. Watching you look so upset with yourself before over me, but then being all smiles… You don’t know what that does to me. I wanted to take you right there but it would break so many regulations I can’t even list ‘em all.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Bend over my desk here.” He jerked his thumb towards the desk in his living area, the one that mostly held PADDs of journals he read when he was off-duty. If there was actual work to do, he preferred to do it at his actual desk.

“I can do that.” He took another minute then reluctantly pulled his fingers out of himself with a shudder. “I want you so bad.”

“Not as much as I want you.” As Jim crossed the room, pulled out the chair, and took his place, Leonard stripped. He pressed up against him, cock sliding between Jim’s thighs and making them both groan in anticipation. He bent over him as Jim raised up on his hands, allowing Leonard to lick and bite and suck his way down his back, the strong muscle twitching underneath him. “You are so gorgeous. Still can’t believe I have you.”

“Believe it. You’re mine.”

“Not sure how I got so lucky.”

“I told you. Fear and vomit.”

Leonard gave him a friendly smack on the ass. “No more talk about vomit.”

“Sorry. Get inside me and I’ll probably be quiet.”

“Need more lube so I don’t hurt you.” Jim opened the right-hand drawer of the desk and pulled out a bottle. “Did you just plant lube everywhere in both our quarters just in case?”

“I’ll stop stocking it when we’re tired of having sex on every surface in every space.”

“..._Touché._” He slicked himself up, then Jim too just in case, and pushed inside, slowly. He wasn’t sure how ready Jim was, but he didn’t have to worry. He’d had enough time to relax himself, and Leonard was able to slide in steadily, taking care only out of habit.

It wasn’t the same as the desk in his office, but having Jim stretched out in front of him on his elbows, fingertips brushing journals, was close enough. He pulled out then slammed back into Jim, making both of them gasp. He felt too good to try for any finesse, just taking him again and again. “_Mine_, Jim,” he growled.

“God, yes, yours. Always only yours.”

He set a fast rhythm, encouraged by Jim’s moans and whines as he took everything Leonard gave him. “You keep that up, darlin’, and I won’t last much longer.”

“_Take_ me, just do it, fuck me so I feel it tomorrow. Want to think about you every time I move.” He groaned before panting out, “Harder!”

Leonard obliged until he couldn’t hold back anymore, Jim too tight and hot around him, orgasm building in him until he tensed all over and released himself into Jim. Through the aftershocks, and then he was leaning onto Jim, panting over his sweaty back. He didn’t think Jim had come, and confirmed when he reached underneath and felt him hard and leaking.

“Finish me, please, Bones. Can’t move.” He had locked his shoulders to support both of their weight.

“Can do better than this.”

He pulled out slowly, then sat on the floor and shifted around until he could get a good angle to suck Jim’s cock into his mouth. Jim gasped. “Oohhhh that’s better, that’s so much better…” The position wasn’t great but it wasn’t like Leonard needed too much effort to bring him off, considering how close he was. He used his hand where he couldn’t reach, his other hand sliding up to rub and press at just the right spot between his legs, Jim groaning with every roll of his hips and swipe of Leonard’s tongue. “Just like that--_oh_\--” And he was coming into Leonard’s mouth with a cry and Leonard swallowed everything while holding Jim up, continuing until Jim breathed out, “Okay,” oversensitized and pulling away.

Jim slid to the floor to catch his breath, Leonard holding him and kissing him and caressing him until he finally had him back. With a final twitch, Jim asked, “Any other fantasies we can act out?”

“Oh, I thought of one. It’ll have to be tomorrow, though.”

Confusion twisted Jim’s pretty brow. “Okay…”

“Trust me.”

“I do. Love you.”

“Love you too.” They sat there a while longer, until Leonard just couldn’t any more because his back was getting sore. “Love you. Love my couch, too.”

“Love your shower.”

“That too.”

~*~

Jim was a little confused the next day when in order to act out Bones’s fantasy he had to not only be dressed, but also leave his quarters. Both of them were off-duty that day, getting ready to complete their mission and receive their next one, and he’d kind of thought there’d be more nudity and less walking through the ship.

But then Bones led him through the arboretum, to a secluded area where a blanket had been laid out, a basket with sandwiches in it on top of the blanket. There was also a package of cookies, and drinks, and Jim felt himself blush. “Did you set all this up for me?”

“Yes and no. It was my idea, but I had help.”

“From who?”

“Me, sir.” Scotty appeared behind them, carrying two pillows. “The good doctor requested my help in exchange for silence and my own sandwich.” He carefully placed the two pillows one on top the other on the blanket. “There’s an extra gift in there for ye when you get a chance.”

Overwhelmed, Jim said, “Scotty, you didn’t have to go to any trouble.”

Bones argued, “What, you’d rather have a yeoman set up our picnic? I know the cat is out of the bag, but I’d like to keep any overt displays of affection between us and the senior staff.”

“True.” Jim took Bones’s hand so he could kiss the back of it, then held it. It was nice, being able to be a little free with each other.

“I’m happy to help, Captain. Anytime you need anyone to run interference, just let me know.”

“We appreciate that.”

“Ye are good for each other. Good for the crew, good for the ship. Maybe I won’t have to patch her up as much if you two don’t go puttin’ her in danger to get out some of your frustrations.”

Affronted, Bones complained, “Hey, _I’m_ not the one who leaps into danger ass over teakettle. If it were up to me we’d be planetside with a drink and some sunshine.”

Jim grinned. “You’d be bored in a day. Face it, you need the excitement just as much as I do.”

“I beg to differ on that one.”

“We’ll agree to disagree.” Jim squeezed Bones’s hand one more time before pulling away and turning back to Scotty. “We really do appreciate the support. You know we’ll need as much of it as we can get when the brass finds out.”

“Aye, you’ll have it.” Sternly, oddly paternal for a guy who Jim was pretty sure was in love with a spaceship, he told them, “Take care of each other, now.” With that, he was off, humming a tune Jim couldn’t quite recognize.

He and Bones knelt down and he pulled the top pillow to himself, knowing he’d need it after the previous night’s activities. Under the pillow was a bottle of good whisky. Jim didn’t want to think of the cost of the bottle, and couldn’t help but smile at the approval of his chief engineer and--more importantly--friend.

He hadn’t realized how much it would mean, for him and Bones to have the full support of the entire senior crew.

He tucked the pillow under his ass but couldn’t hold back his wince. Grabbing his own pillow, Bones asked, “You okay?”

“Just sore from last night. In a good way.”

“It’s not my fault you have an incredibly fuckable ass.”

Face flushing and cock hardening, Jim hissed out, “_Bones_!”

“What? We’re about as secluded as could be, which is why I chose this location. Scotty seconded it, considering it’s so secluded there isn’t any good security footage available. He is...really invested in us. Not in a creepy way. I think he’s just happy for us.”

“And he’s probably right. I’ll continue to work on not flinging myself into danger so you don’t have to fix me up, and now I’ll try even harder with the ship. Don’t want to break Scotty’s heart after he’s been so supportive of us.”

“We should do something nice for him. Actually nice, actually for him, not just try not to destroy the flagship.”

“We’ll think of something.”

With that they each grabbed a sandwich, Bones chewing happily and Jim trying to think of how to really show his appreciation for the crew. Even out of their minds, the ones affected by the analgesic didn’t do any lasting harm, and now that he and Bones were officially out as a couple, he could see that nothing was really changing amongst the entire crew.

They had full support, as far as he could tell, and that meant the world. The ship. Something.

“This is nice, Bones. It never would have occurred to me to go on a picnic.”

“I thought it would be nice to be somewhere where we could almost pretend we’re not on a ship.”

“In the dangers of the black, space, danger, darkness, horror, danger, yeah.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do. And I’ll do what I can to get us a few days shore leave again, if I have any say at all.”

“But we aren’t picking up any new medication that isn’t thoroughly vetted beforehand.”

“Right. Still can’t believe there wasn’t a warning on it.”

“Human error somewhere.”

“Yeah.”

The remainder of their lunch was spent in companionable silence, the plants around them fragrant and relaxing. Soon they’d be on their next mission, and probably next disaster. But Jim knew that with Bones and his crew by his side, they’d weather anything.

He just hoped it would be a little less personal next time.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the Buffy episode "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered," and the song that inspired the title of that episode.


End file.
